Hickory Dickory Dock

I was reading some old e-mails today and came across one from my dear friend from high school, Michael. Not only is he one of the funniest cats I know, he's also incredibly creative and will probably be one of those "don't you wish you were friends with this guy when you were 10" kind of fellas. Neither here nor there- he's taken, ladies, so unless Miss C lets go, consider yourself too late.

Anyways, a few years ago I was going to a party at a professor's house and I was hoping against hope that everyone had too much South African wine and started telling limericks. When I relayed this to my friend Michael, he felt the need to send me a few. So here are those, along with some of my other classic favorites. Please enjoy:


Em Anne was a fiery lass
Known well for her wit and her sass
But give a fine beer
And some free Everclear
And she'll be more well known for her ass



A Scottish limerick (keep in mind Menzies is pronounced "Ming-iss", thenzies is "Thing-iss", and so on..):

A lively young damsel named Menzies

Inquired: "Do you know what this thenzies?"

Her aunt, with a gasp,

Replied: "It's a wasp,

And you're holding the end where the stenzies.

Miss Knight
Was a wonderful sight
When she entered the Sigma Chi house
But early next day
She awoke with dismay
On a couch with no sign of her blouse



There Once was a Man called Reg
Who Went with a Girl in a Hedge
Along came his wife
With a big Carving Knife
And cut off his meat and two veg



Ol' Emily Anne does a keg stand
Ol' Emily Anne takes a shot
Ol' Em, do we love her
Much more than our mother
And she's easily three times as hot



Said the Vicar to old Bishop Price,
My wife's just had twins, ain't that nice?
But the Bishop said, "Father,
in future I'd rather
you abstained, or were not naughty twice."


Do you have any limericks you're fond of? Post a comment, fools.

Let's Hug It Out, Bitch.

Hopefully you have explored the menu to the left by now. See Sarah's Corner? Learn it, love it, live it. I know there are already quite a few links, but get to clickin' homesnake! There are treasures that will certainly enrich your life today. I can't guarantee that with a Billy Mays promise, but I would bet that Sarah's Corner will make you laugh. And while we are on the subject, yes, Mighty Putty DOES stop a leaky garden hose, so infomerical guarantees aren't entirely falsified on occasion. But that's neither here nor there.

What I'd like to discuss this afternoon is the link entitled "Hey laaaaaaaadies" give or take an "a". If you haven't indulged yet, the quick synopsis is this: Card-carrying member of the AARP seeks trophy wife half his age, but can't get off the cheez curlz so he's trying his hand at internet dating sans picture. But By God, if you aren't a perfect 10 then don't come a-callin'. Tale as old as time.

Unfortunately, he insists on making a real assclown of himself and spells out his bride requirements with the tact of an ornery seagull with a case of irritable bowel syndrome. Yes, he seems quite pleasant. Take for example, some of the items on his Quick Disqualification List:

10. You cannot walk seven (7) miles non-stop averaging 1 mile per 20 minutes and without drinking or eating anything during the walk.

11. You have to go to the bathroom more than once during a four hour date where we first have dinner at a restaurant then see a movie.

16. Staying in fashion is important to you.

17. You are a vegetarian, that is, you do not eat meat or fish.

19. You desire to pursue your own career, even after marriage.

Not to mention number 3: You think this profile is too long to read. Wait until the next revision. LOL (Laughing Out Loud)


Where to begin, where to begin? Well, let's just call a spade a spade. This man is a nutter. And this is only the first page of his profile. Let's read on, shall we?

Quick Qualification List:

3. In American sizes, if you are a dress size bigger than 8 or in plus sizes, it would be highly unlikely that I would be interested.

4. You are under thirty years old. My preferred range is between 24 and 29 for such girls have generally finished their formal education and have a good idea of what they want for themselves in life. However, I will consider younger and older. If you over 29, you will have to be pretty and slim.

10. You must be able to get yourself, at your own expense, to anywhere in America.

11. NO FOREIGN WOMEN UNLESS you can get yourself to America at your own expense. I will not help you financially so don't ask. I will not go to your country except for a vacation sometime after we have been married.


You are not to ask me any questions until I say you can. I first want to determine as quickly as possible if you are someone I'd be interested in. I do that by asking you a lot of questions and seeing your answers. I will be asking numerous questions designed to uncover, if they exist, those qualities and characteristics I want or do not want in my future wife.


Yep, this is real folks. Discuss amongst yourselves. Go!

Good Morning, Vietnam!

This new blog is getting a flashback from the one I wrote in college, simply because I was reading some archives and needed to get everyone on the same page here. If you used to read my blog near the turn of the century, please don't be expecting all the same witty banter and nonsense here. Most often you'll probably see things I pulled from another blog, or at best a crazy conversation overheard in the workplace elevator. Let me set all you youngsters straight right now- "crazy" workplace behavior isn't nearly as funny as "crazy" college behavior. You've been warned. Gainfully employed members of society- you know what I'm talking about. That said, please enjoy the following piece- the chosen remnant from my dinosaur blog that only proves students have too much time on their hands and what a completely moronic 20 year old I turned out to be:


(in response to my roommate's accusation that I threw up in the bathtub of our sorority house shared suite- please note the culprit has still yet to be found, 8 years later. The statute of limitations will soon be up and I ask the barf bandit to please come forward.)

I did not throw up in the house
I did not throw up on a mouse
I did not throw up here or there
I did not throw up anywhere!
Meaghan, Lauren, Anna too
I wouldn't ever do that to you
Oh, I might throw up in your bed
Or whilst being mean, barf on your head
But I did not do it in the tub
If I had, I would have scrubbed
I did not throw up on the floor
So do not ask me any more!
Not in the House, not on a mouse
No not here, or even there
I did not throw up anywhere
On your bed, on your head
In the tub of our club
On the floor near the door
I did not throw up 201
I did not throw up, everyone.


So here it is. The blog for random ramblings, deep insights borrowed from other places, and of course, Sarah's Corner. See that little link to the left? That's where Sarah gets to post her favorite funnies of the week. Enjoy, folks.